Carol Bradley Bursack 7/15/25

(This interview has been edited and condensed for length)

Zack: Carol, thank you so much for joining us here. We would love to hear about your caregiver journey. Start from the beginning.

Carol:  I'm going back a little bit further than I generally do… I was 12 when my little sister was born… she was a surprise to the family. I kind of turned into a little mother as a 12-year-old can. But then, when she was two, my grandmother moved in with us. She was very crippled with rheumatoid arthritis and needed care. I wasn't just babysitting my toddler sister; I was also caring for my grandma… That was where I started. 

The actual caregiving story that I generally tell started a number of years later. I was an adult and had two young children of my own. My neighbor was profoundly deaf … He had Meniere's disease since he was young… When Joe's wife died, he was in his late seventies, early eighties at the time. And I just asked him, I thought because he's over there alone, if he needed some groceries or something… I checked in on him and eventually, I became his primary caregiver… Joe had no family here at all. So, over the next five years, we just adopted him. 

We ran back and forth and brought food and did things… And we did that over five years until his death. I never thought of that, as is usual with caregiving. I was just going to do a favor. And I took him to retirement things and his doctor appointments and was with him after he broke his hip….

Zack:  Were you working during his time?

Carol:  I was not. I was trying to do freelancing… aside from caring for both of my kids, one of them was chronically ill and just always at the doctor and doing all these things. So that was part of our lives and has been all along…  A few years, not long after Joe, my aunt and uncle moved from Washington, D.C. out here in the middle of the country… they didn't have kids and we were their only family and they were aging and having health problems…  And we had a few really good years…  then my uncle had a massive stroke. My mother and my aunt, his wife, were able to care for him mostly. But we, of course, visited, took the kids, that kind of thing, until my aunt, after one of his strokes to visit him at the clinic, collapsed and everybody thought she was in good health. Turns out she was full of cancer, and she died within ten days. And, so then my mom was trying to fill in to help care for my uncle for a while, but then she was having problems. So I became a fill-in caregiver for my uncle there.

My mom was going through hip replacements and things then, so I was trying to cover bases there. And my dad, who had had a World War II-related brain injury…  started feeling just slightly fuzzy. And, they determined that there was fluid building up behind scar tissue in his brain from the injury. So they put in a shunt…  And then overnight, he was struck down with, I mean, he never came out of dementia…  He thought the nurse that he'd loved the night before was trying to kill him that day in the shower, you know, that kind of thing. That went on. That's what triggered my book-- Dad's story. I became the person to cover all of that. And my mother, by then, was having more surgeries, and my uncle was having more strokes, and then my in-laws. My mother-in-law started having issues with forgetting where she's going driving… Then my father-in-law started having strokes. And I was trying to cover the bases for all these people at five different places at one time… one by one, eventually, my father-in-law died. And then eventually, my uncle died… through all of that, eventually, I needed to go to work full time. 

I became a librarian news researcher. I was working full time, and there were three elders still alive, all in the same nursing home. At least it was one location. I would go there early in the morning, make sure everybody had their supplies, and had what they needed. Then I would go to work. Then afterwards, I’d get my son at school, come back home, then go back to the nursing home….

Selma:  Carol, when you went back to work, did you share with your employer the fact that you were a caregiver for three people? And if so, did you get any support?

Carol:  That was not a thing then. No. I did not. Nothing negative to my employer. In fact… after my book came out and I buried the last of my loved ones, I kept trying to talk them into letting me do a column… Back to the employment, though, one thing my employer had that was so useful for me was that they were very good about allowing people to take their vacation time in chunks. You didn't have to take a full day. And I used every bit of my vacation for doctor appointments for all of my older people and my son. That’s where my vacation went. I was so deeply grateful that if I had to take Dad to the doctor, I could make that appointment. I could go.  And I let them know how much I appreciated that. It made a big difference. And, you know, gradually, some of them learned what I was doing. And then, of course, the more I did and the more deaths, I take time off for deaths and things, the more they became aware. And then  eventually, they decided to try the column to see what happens.  And, of course, it went over very well, and I'm still writing it…

Zack:  You did the opposite of what a lot of people do. They work first, and then caregiving hits their lives, and they leave their work. You did it differently. You were caregiving, and then you said I’ve got to go get a job. What would you, if anything, recall changed in you? Or what changes did you have to make to make that adjustment?

Carol:  It was difficult. With my kids being older, even though one of them still had all the health issues, it was probably easier than having toddlers and little kids. But I do have to say that I'm always kind of surprised that now we have the term Sandwich generation. Well, I never knew about that, but my life has been a Sandwich generation. It was a huge adjustment for me…. I probably did more than I needed to, because I did have a sister who lived 50 miles away, and she was wonderful about coming in on weekends to see Mom and Dad, particularly. And I know that was not easy for her either. And in hindsight, I should have said to myself, “They're getting company today. You can stay home.”...

Selma:  Well, one thing I noticed is that your book is very different than most caregiver stories. You not only talked about your journey, but the journeys of so many other people that were so authentic and real, and sensitive. I wonder, how do you think an employer could benefit from reading Minding Our Elders?

Carol:  I purposely wrote it in short segments because I know how difficult it is to find time. And so, as you know, the stories are all very short. And I think you know, you have an idea there. I think it could be very helpful, because it is available on Kindle…

Selma: The reason I asked is that the majority of employers, unless they've actually dealt with being a caregiver, have no idea what the daily life of a caregiver is. They have no idea of what that journey is like, and how it feels, and what the time constraints are. Your book is very detailed in that regard and very clear.

Zack:  You are a certified dementia support group facilitator. How would an employer benefit from knowing what you do so they could share it with their employees? Why would someone come to you as a CDSGF?

Carol:  … Twice a year in my weekly newspaper column, I do a whole thing on just products and services that people can do just because I've fallen across so many, and people seem to really like that. I think knowing caregivers learn in support groups, they trust other caregivers because they know you. People trust you as a caregiver because they know you've been there…. If somebody just comes in and says, “ I don't know how long I can do this anymore.” Nobody's going to judge them…

And if you wanted to let employers know, because this is something I do online, I haven't done one one-on-one, though it's something I would talk to somebody about if an employer wanted to offer that. But I am very open to say if an employer wanted to set up a group or have me set up a group or something because they had enough people, maybe a larger business where enough people need the support of other caregivers, plus maybe suggestions for resources -- the things that I can bring to it that way too.

So, I think support groups are amazing, however people find them. There are good ones on the web. There's something like Dr. Leslie Kernisan.  Hers is a subscription service one and for good reason. One of the things that we offer in there, she calls me the rock and the foundation of the actual group itself, because I'm in there every day. I'm taking care of people. But she and the geriatric care managers are always there…

Selma:  Let’s talk more about your book for a moment. It's very inspirational. When people read your book, what do you hope they walk away with?

Carol: I wrote it, as I said, as a portable support group because I felt that caregivers needed to know they are not alone. And I wanted people to know, because you can tell by those stories, it's okay to say it's hard. It's even okay to say, I wish I weren't doing this. Yes, I love my mother, but I wouldn't have chosen this, but it's what I'm doing because, well, this is where life takes me. And I wanted people to know that it’s alright. They don't have to pretend that everything is rosy and, oh, they're an angel and everything is lovely because it's not. And so that’s what I want them to know -- It's okay. Whatever they're feeling is okay…. if they can sometimes blow off steam in a support group, they can go back to their caregiver role with a little more clarity and feeling a little bit lighter and not so alone.  

I wanted people to know they had company along this journey, someone who understands, and that there is no perfect caregiver. There is no perfect decision. Practically, every decision we make it's got its good and its bad. You’re presented with two terrible choices. And you're supposed to somehow have some knowledge nobody else has of which one's right. We often don't. And so don't second-guess ourselves, particularly after death. So many people do. They just say, well, you know, maybe I should have made this choice. Or if I did this or, oh, that one time I got mad at mom… I'm just so upset with myself… we have to let things go.  

Zack:  If you were to go back to yourself as a 12-year-old, when you started taking care of your sister, what would you do differently? What advice would you give working caregivers today, before they start their journey?

Carol:  You know, I don't know what I would have done differently. I tried to do everything for everybody because that just broke my heart. I saw so much suffering. And I wanted to, especially with my dad. And one quick point with that is that way back when they were reorienting people. You probably picked that up in my book. And I just thought, no. I'm not doing that to Dad. And then later on, the doctor says, “Where did you learn that?” -- When they found out about joining them in their reality. And that's one of my proudest things is that I knew in my heart that's what I had to do…

I wouldn't do anything differently. But what I would tell employers is -- compassion. Understand, this could be your mother. Read my book because you may not feel what it would be like if this were your mother. But maybe if they read some of my stories, … they'll feel it. Everything in there is valid. It's people's stories from the heart, and you can see their suffering. And if an employer reads that and understands, okay. I can't fix it for them. I have a business to run. I have to make balanced decisions. We all understand that. But, you know, try and say, isn't there something we can do to make their life a little bit easier? Maybe adjust their hours if necessary, or let them work from home a little bit if it's compatible with the job at all. Maybe give them a little more flexibility. That can mean a lot…. I'll tell you, for caregivers, it doesn't mean they're working less. But if they can adjust their hours… If that does not affect their job performance, that is one of the biggest gifts they could give many caregivers… give them some flexibility. Give them some choices. Understand that we live in a system that does not provide well for elder care. It just doesn't.

Zack:  Share with us where people could find you, and is your column public?

Carol:  If you go to my page, wwwmindingourelders.com., it has a link to the form where my column runs. And there's a blog on there.

Zack & Selma:  Thank you so much Carol!